JosefKirchner.com

                 BIOGRAPHY

                                      The Trannie Files - A Bio of My Life Transitions

I am what you may call a male to female to male transsexual, but I was born intersexed with an XY/XO chromosome pattern. My journey to finding me is a different one and may have taken a long time, but I don't regret a thing because I respect the journey and what has been learned which has been invaluable to me and many other people.

I began living as a female at age 19. I had a sexchange from male to female at age 24. I lived my life as a female for nearly 20 years.  I When I decided living as female was no longer working for me I took a long time (a period of about five years) to do a lot of soul searching.  After all, had the doctors been wrong?  Was I not a "true transsexual" that required gender altering surgery to live a better life?  In the end, whether happy or unhappy with the decision made, the blame all falls on the patient. Can any blame be assumed by what can be called a modern day SexChange Industry that caters specifically to the needs of the gender dysphoric individual?   Therapists and surgeons are more than happy to see a transgender walk through their doors as transgenders require many hours of expensive psychological services and eventually many expensive surgical procedures.  Who was I to not trust the doctors who helped me through this process?  After 20 years of living as female something wasn't feeling right.  I wanted out.  I wanted out of a body that didn't feel like my own anymore.  Strange as it may sound I was almost as if I was now feeling like a male trapped in a female body.

I first turned to my own transgender community in search of help.  When I questioned my transgender experience I was met with shock and repulsion from other transgenders.  All they could say were things like, "You are a beautiful woman!  A role model of perfection for transwomen everywhere!  Many of us only can wish we could look as good and be as successful as you have been!  How could you do this?"   It's like they were more concerned about an object of beauty and admiration, a transgender icon.  It wasn't me, the person with feelings they saw, but an imagej, a reputation that the transgender community wanted to uphold.  Some image to be whorshipped was being slated for demolition.  I was no longer a person.  And you know how people can be on the Internet.  It is so easy to attack someone you don't know.

I began to meet other transgenders online that had a less than satisfactory experience with their transition.  They all gave me the same advice from their experience, "Don't turn to the transgender community seeking any help or consolation because they will hate you, demonize you and cast you out if they smell a traitor in their midst."  Having been around transgenders over 25 years I was well acquainted with the evil, backstabbing, narcissistic drag queen mentality that seems to plague many under the trans umbrella. 

I looked to various sources for help with my dissatisfaction with my transgender life as a woman.  I sought spiritual guidance, therapists and eventually ran into some very wise ex-transsexuals who made me look at the process a lot differently than I had when I was going through it. To escape years of hell through a process where you have lots of other fellow travelers on the road makes it a very welcoming experience as many are glad to take your hand and enjoy the journey with you.  However, the journey back as I found was a very lonely one where I felt like I had to be a pioneer of sorts to find my way.

One day I was watching an American talk show program called, The Montel Williams Show.  He had a female guest on his show that landed a spot on his show because of a website she created, HelpMeDivorceMyHusband.com.  It instantly gave me the idea to start a website of my own of the same flavor.   Mabye a website would draw people to me with information and wisdom.  Maybe I'd get on a talkshow?  The publicity of my dilemma would be enormous!  It's the sweeky wheel gets the grease, I've always heard.  It felt rather ridiculous, but why not? Thus, HelpMeReverseMySexChange.org was born.

Life began for me in Louisville, Kentucky, USA in April of 1964.  I knew my emotional orientation was primarily set towards boys from at least the age of 5. I wasn't repulsed by girls and even had girlfriends.  Later, of course, emotions gave way to sexuality which I knew boys were more the target of, not girls.  I guess if I had to determine my sexuality, I am 70% attracted to males and 30% attracted to girls.  Guys get the overwhelming 20% that tips the balance their way. 

Sexual orientation can be a disturbing time for kids when one part of the brain says the same sex appears to be mating material, but another part of the brain has been trained to torture yourself with false ideas like, "homosexuality is wrong, unnatural, etc."

Thankfully, I received a good University education which taught me about how the human species begins with a female default in the womb, both brain and body.  This information shouldn't only be in University level textbooks, but should be taught in elementary school biology so children could know the truth about their bodies and brains instead of the lies and misinformation they received from a "manipulation" and not and education.  All babies physically begin life with a female default body and brain and it is only at the 6-8 differeniation period during the 9 months that a female default baby will become male.  Yes, this mean that every man on the planet has has a sexchange from female to male in the womb at 6-8 weeks and on varying levels all men are still in touch with their feminine side.

This is how I believe homosexual orientation is set.  Not only must the body change from female default, but the brain must also change from female default.  We understand that a female brain, for reproductive purposes begins with a heterosexual orientation so for the male of the species that female default brain must defeminize, but also masculinize before the sexual orientation part of the brain will become that of a heterosexual male.  What happens if the sexual orientation center of the brain does not defeminize and fully masculinize?  You get a female heterosexual orientation trapped in a male body.   The male will see other males as mating material and at a young age that can be very disturbing for a boy because so many people do not understand homosexual oriention is inborn and have created all kinds of negative  remedies for homosexuality.

Some of those negative remedies for homosexuality we create in our own heads and for the purposes of this website I will mention one--transsexuality.  While I see nothing wrong with someone living their lives however they feel, I believe some are not presented with alternatives and life seems very black and white--you either must fit in the boy box or the girl box with no inbetween.  This was part of my journey.

As a young boy who was more in touch with my feminine side than other boys I was often teased in school for being a sissy.  Later when kids learned the word "fag" they labeled me with it and I was still unsure and struggling with my identity and possible sexuality.  When I reached my teens I knew I had to find out what was going on with me and I tried to find anything I could read about homosexual orientatation at my school library.  My findings were insatisfactory and during my highschool years I made access of the shopping mall bookstores where I found a copy of The Joy of Gay Sex.

It was age 17 when I was in the B. Dalton bookstore at the mall that I met my first adult homosexual.  He was looking at The Joy of Gay Sex too.  He smiled at me and I guess I was experiencing my first gay cruizing.  We began talking and walked around the mall together, never once talking about our obvious mutual interest in guys.  To make a long story short, his name was Carlos Villasmil from Caracas Venezuela and he was a year old than me and attending University of South Florida.  He became my first boyfriend.

Carlos introduced me to the world of gay bars.  Because I looked mature and the legal drinking age in Florida was 18 I never got carded.  Age 17 was an early awakening of what gay life was all about.  I was always the relationship minded guy, but it seemed like most guys only wanted one-time-only experiences.  Then when I found a guy that like me he always wanted me to penetrate him sexually and my sexuality didn't work that way.  I was a bottom and didn't like oral sex on me.  Also, having to masterbate myself to have an orgasm while a guy was penetrating me made me feel bitter.  lol   I guess this was how I realized that if I were a girl and had a vagina I wouldn't have to deal with all of things I didn't prefer sexually with guys.

Seeing transsexuals doing the female impersonator shows in the bars seemed like the answer for me.  Being an overly emotional teenager and not dealing well with coming out and gay life and my mother hating me because I was gay made me depressed and I overdosed in an attempt to escape my pain. Afterwards I began talking to a therapist at 17 about how I felt like I was a woman trapped in a man's body.  Two years later at age 19 I began the official process of transition to alter my body physically to appear female.

Five years later while living in Europe I had penile inversion surgery with Dr. Michael Seghers in Brussels, Belgium to give my penis the appearance of female genitalia.  At first I was very pleased and felt as if my life was finally right and I was at peace.  Slowly, but surely though over the next 20 years that peace erroaded and I was faced with the reality that no amount of surgery could ever allow me the peace of being female.  I could not escape the memory that I was born male and there would always be flaws in my female appearance and physicality.  Certainly nobody would ever truly accept me as female if they knew the truth about me so I realized living as female was all an elaborate little game of dressup I had played on myself.  I remember when it really struck me hard was when I was working as a nurse in Kentucky while living with my grandmother when she was in the last stages of her life back in 2002.  I saw this television commerical in a patients room of a happy family--husband, wife, kids and how I longed to be that wife and have that handsome husband and kids.  I gave myself a good psychological slap in the face and said, "You idiot!  You will never have that life because you are a man who has had a sexchange to look like a woman no matter how much your heart aches or how much you try you will NEVER be a woman.  Everyday will always only be a life of pretending and a sad reminder of what you can't be and can't have.

So, here is a picture of what I looked like before I decided to leave the life of pretend womanhood behind.  Yes, I know this picture is worn out, but its the only one I have from back then that shows how well I looked as female.  There is nothing more convincing than a nice bathing suit photo.

As you can see I was very feminine and passable in every way, even down to a perfected female voice.  I had even married and later divorced a man who never knew I was transsexual.  Perfecting your appearance to pass as female doesn't satisfy because it is you who down deep on the inside knows that it's not real.  You have to do a lot of lying to yourself when you are transsexual to try to be happy.  I just got tired of lying to myself.  What took many years to perfect was removed basically in one day in one fell swoop of the hairdressers sheers.  On October 26, 2004 my very long hair was cut off at the back of my neck.  We measured my hair and it was 52 inches long.  I had a very thick and glorious head of hair and I wanted to donate it to Locks of Love, but they refused to accept it because it had been color treated, so I still have my souvenier ponytail.

Immediately after my haircut I began strapping down my 38 DDD breasts to dress as male again.  It felt so good to finally be able to just walk the way my body was created to walk instead of trying to take smaller steps like a girl.  Months later in May of 2005 documentary producer Tom Murray followed me to San Francisco to have breast removal surgery with Dr. Michael Brownstein.  He did a very nice job of removal however, his nipply replacement is too high and now low enough and more out to the sides.  Many female to male transsexuals who have gone to Dr. Brownstein for breast removal say he "marks" female to male transsexuals by placing the nips in a more female position.  This is often why some people in their ignorence will accuse me of being a female to male transsexual.

Tom Murray did a great biography about my life and framed it with the stories of five other transsexuals in varying degrees or styles of transsexuality who were very pleased (or so they said) with their lives.  You can check out this documentary about me at www.AlmostMyself.com

The last six years since transitioning back to living as male have been very good for me.  Not that I ever dreamed things would be so good.

Because my dreams at night are often shared with one of my ex-husbands I thought I'd take a moment to share.   Paul Thomas Barnett of Lebanon, Indiana was my 2nd husband and the love of my life.  Since our divorce in 1996 he has entered my dreams many times, always returning to me to tell me how wrong he was and that he realizes how badly he messed up with me.  He will tell me how he did lots of personal work and has gotten past his issue of not being able to believe anybody could truly love him and he wants me to give him another chance because he knows what a once-in-lifetime love ours was.  Dreams are a funny thing.  I'm sure if he really felt this way he would have sought me out by now. 

I met Paul the day my mother died in August 1992. We married two months later in October.  I met him through a personals ad where I identified myself as a post-op trans female.  Out of over 30 guys who responded to the ad, Paul was the one who's voicemail on the dating system had that spark of magic that told me from the moment I heard his voice, "This is the one".  It was on our first date that he told me that he was 13 years clean and sober.  I felt his troubles were behind him, but obviously they were not as he resumed drinking again, basically left the house one night, got drunk, and laid up with another woman.  At first he felt very guilty and was willing to offer me anything I wanted in a divorce if I didn't want to forgive him and take him back.  The divorce was post-poned only to be brought up later by him without the aforementioned offer.  Bottom line, because of the damage his mother did to him by not loving him as a child he did not have to ability to believe anybody would love him and I had to walk away from the marriage heartbroken and knowing there was nothing I could do to cure him.  So, my dreams are probably just my own inner desires to have the love returned that I once knew.  When a man trembles and cries in your arms and tells you he loves you that kinda love does not die, it just gets placed on a psychological back burner, so to speak.  I left the marriage letting him have everything cause I didn't want him to think I ever wanted anything from him but his love.

If there was a second husband, yes there was also a first husband, but I don't have much to say about him.  He was a man I married without disclosing my transsexual secret to him.  I was in a very distressed time of my life where I had actually just had an engagement broken off and I married him without thinking things out.  I basically sabotaged our relationship within the marriage so after six months we were both easily able to come to a joint decision that we jumped too fast and had a happy divorce.

My third marriage will get even less mention.  I married "the psycho from San Bernardino".  Nuff said. 

I was engaged a fourth time to a gender confused guy named Mike who after meeting me mustered up the courage for a complete sexchange to become Miranda.  Needless to say that was no match and things didn't end good.  He ended up suing me for $5000. 

So much for my married years!  I have been gun-shy ever since and have not naively attempted marriage again since the last disappointment in 1998.

More to come!